On day 30, I picked up a 12-pack and I was right back to drinking every day.

Instagram: @iamsoberandhappy

Website: soberandhappy.com

Podcast:  The Sober and Happy Podcast

What’s your name and drug of choice? 
Tim Phillips and alcohol was my primary drug of choice.

What’s your sobriety date? 
7/6/2011

Give us a little background information. (Where are you from or grew up? What do you do for a living? What are your passions?) 

I grew up in a small town in Northern California and currently live in Phoenix Arizona and do data informatics/consulting work in the medical industry.  I am most passionate about living life to the fullest potential and helping others realize that they can do that also.

Describe your experience as an addict. 

It was the most toxic relationship I ever have been involved in.  And much like most toxic romantic relationships, it started out amazing, and you often don't realize how bad it is until you are so deep in it, you don't know how to get out.

I am not one of the people that will tell you that my worst day drinking is better than my best day sober, because that is not my story.  I had a lot of amazing days drunk and some of my most challenging and difficult have come after I got sober.  

Both my parents had their own addiction problems.  My fathers' addictions landed him in prison when I was a little kid, and my mom got clean and sober when I was also little.  I also had several relatives on both sides of the family that battled addictions, so I saw all the consequences of it and never had any plans of following in their footsteps.

That all changed the first time I got drunk.  Years of insecurities that I picked up during my childhood vanished that day.  All the thoughts that constantly ruled my thoughts - not smart enough, not good enough, not brave enough, too short, unpopular, too chubby, and not good-looking enough for girls to like me - simply got quieter with each drink.  It was the first time in my entire life that I remember actually feeling relaxed.

That first night didn't end up well.  I drank everything in sight, puked everywhere, had to have keys taken away from me so I wouldn't drive my mom's car home, and embarrassed myself in so many ways that I heard stories at school for weeks.   Every one of those feelings I drank away the day before came back the next day even stronger.  But now I knew how to get rid of them and the vicious spiral began.

In the beginning, it was easy to justify my drinking because it wasn't long after that first drunk that I was off to college.  Part of college is partying, so I figured I would have fun and get serious once I was done with school.  

But while I was in school, there was a drunken night filled with many bad decisions, which found me in jail the morning after my 20th birthday.  I decided then that I needed to quit.  After 30 days though, I figured if I could quit for 30 days, I must not have a problem.  Plus, moderation should be easy if I could completely quit, right?  On day 30, I picked up a 12-pack and I was right back to drinking every day.

School came and went, and the drinking kept getting worse.  At this point, I knew my drinking was not normal, but I used the term "functional alcoholic" since I was able to graduate college, I could make it to work most days and still pay most of my bills on time.

I didn't remain functional for long though and the consequences started piling up.  Evictions, repossessed vehicles, broken relationships, long-time friendships ruined, jobs lost, a few more arrests, and the periods when it actually felt good to get drunk were very rare at this point.  I no longer drank for fun.  It was simply to push down all the guilt and shame I felt, and it wasn't very effective at that.

I lived in that state for probably 10 years.  Every time I thought it couldn't get worse, it did.  And at some point, I really just gave up and conceded to the fact that I was going to die drunk and miserable.  And once you stop trying and give up on life, your addiction will take you to depths you never thought was possible.

The last three years of my drinking were absolutely pathetic.  I was drunk 24/7 for the entire three years.  The only job I could hold down was a morning bartending gig because I could drink while I served customers.  All my dreams and goals in life had now boiled down to one daily goal: drink as much as possible for 5 hours for free, and make enough tips for alcohol and a pack of cigarettes to carry me over to the next day (food was optional if I didn't make enough for food too).

When did you realize your life had become unmanageable? 

There were many times I knew my drinking was out of control, but I always thought that I was just one right decision away from turning it all around.  

The first time I realized that I had lost all control was one morning while I was in the bathroom trying to get down the first drink.  

I was a morning drinker for a long time and rarely puked from drinking for most of my years of drinking, but it was getting to the point that my body was completely rejecting alcohol, so I would take my first drink sitting next to the toilet because I had puked on the bedroom carpet a few times.

This particular morning it was so hard to hold down that first drink.  I would take a swig and puke.  Take another one and puke.  It was probably the 4th or 5th try that I was finally able to hold it down, and I felt some relief.  As I stood up, I remembered thinking that "this moment is the best it is going to get today".  That was the moment that I realized that I was an absolute prisoner of alcohol.

What did your recovery look like? 

I never planned on getting sober because I didn't think it was possible.  Everyone I knew who drank like me didn't get sober.  After that morning I describe above, I started planning my suicide.  I have heard a lot of people say that suicide is a selfish act, but in the depths of depression I was in and seeing the pain I was causing everyone that loved me, I honestly thought the world would be better off without me in it.  I figured the short-term pain of losing me was better than the long-term suffering I would be causing if I continued to live.  In retrospect, I know I was wrong, but that belief was very real when I was in that state of mind.

I wish I could tell you what made me decide to try quitting drinking instead of killing myself, but I sent my mom a text during a blackout one afternoon asking for help, so I don't remember.  There was a lot that followed in the next 24 hours that really opened my eyes but that is a much longer story for this question (I talk about this in detail in episode 5 of my podcast if you are interested).

My mom had been waiting for that moment for years so she jumped right on it and before I knew it I was on a plane headed to Battle Creek, Michigan to go to rehab where I was for 60 days.

After rehab, I really dove into Alcoholics Anonymous.  It kept me sober, but I never experienced the happy, joyous, and free that was promised at the door.  I would ask people about it and they would simply tell me "It works if you work it", so I worked it even harder.   I went to 4-5 meetings a week, worked the steps multiple times, sponsored several other people, had book studies in my house, took meetings to rehabs, and held some sort of service commitment at both the group and district levels for the entire five years I was going to AA regularly.  But things kept getting worse.  My anxiety was the worst it ever was and I could tell my depression was getting to that point again that it was starting to scare me.  The thought that AA simply may not be the right solution for me was growing stronger, but anytime I would talk to someone they would tell me that was just my ego talking, that people that leave AA end up drinking again, and to drink is to die.  So I just kept working it, hoping it would eventually work for me.

I moved back to Arizona during this point and started getting sponsored by someone I had met when he spoke at a meeting in Sacramento (where I got sober).  I respected and loved this man so I thought if any sponsor could help me, it would be him.  After working the steps with him again, I still felt no relief.  I shared with him my thoughts on AA not being the right form of recovery for me.  He said nothing and just grabbed his big book.  I thought "Here we go again with the threats that I will end up dead if I leave AA", but instead he read me this part from the book (working with others, page 95): "If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience.  We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us".

He closed his book, looked up at me, and said "I don't know anyone who works on their recovery as hard as you do.  Go find your own path, and if you blaze that path with the same determination that you have tried AA, you will do amazing.  And if anyone in AA tells you any differently, tell them to go read their own damn book, because it is crystal clear on this topic".

He gave me the permission I needed at that point.  Up until then, I still really didn't trust myself.  I simply followed instructions from the book and my sponsor, so I needed a sponsor to tell me that I could trust my own intuition.  It was one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me.

I haven't looked back since.  I have focused a lot on healing the reasons that I drank through therapy and reading a lot about psychology and addiction.  I have slowly learned how to chase my big dreams no matter how scary they are.  And the results have been amazing.  For the first time in my life, I love my life (and myself).

How are you doing these days? 

Life is amazing.  In the years after leaving AA, I have found a lot of other people that were in similar situations as me.  AA was not working for them, they thought they must be doing it wrong, and didn't realize that there were other paths to recovery.

The more people that kept appearing in my life, the more that I realized people needed to hear that they are not broken if what they have tried didn't work, it simply may not be the best solution for them.

I have started a podcast talking about this and began posting on social media and confirmed that there are many people who were where I was once before, so I am continuing to do that.

I have reached a point in my recovery, where I love my life so much, that the desire to drink has completely been removed.  I don't live in fear of alcohol and know that it would completely destroy everything I have built, I simply have no need to alter my state of mind, because my mind is in a good place.

What do you do to maintain sobriety? 

I live life fully.  Although circumstances may vary, people relapse for one common reason: the reasons to drink become stronger than the reasons not to drink and they eventually reach what I call the "f-it point".  Although I have not even thought about a drink for years, I am not in the delusion that I am immune to reaching that point.

So, I focus on not participating in the types of behavior that I know will make me feel worse, and I double down on the types of things in life that bring me joy.  

I can easily slip into a stagnant mode which can quickly turn into moving backward, so I keep a regular journal to keep the focus on the things I want in life, whether I am moving towards them, and help me identify the things that seem to get me off track.

What are you grateful for? 

Forgiveness.  The gift of forgiveness from others towards me has taught me to also forgive the people in my life that has harmed me.  

Any advice you would give to newly sober folks?  

Three pieces of advice: 

1) Learn how to set, communicate, and maintain healthy boundaries.  So much of the struggles I see from people newly sober around the lack of support they feel they are getting when they stop drinking.  Most have not communicated with the people in their life why their sobriety is important to them, just that they simply are taking a break from drinking.  I find if you have an honest conversation with the people in your life, the reasons you need to stop, why it is so important to you, and how much their support means to you, you will be surprised at how many people will support your decision.  And the ones that don't?  They probably shouldn't be a part of your recovery journey.

2) If what you are trying is not working, it does not mean you are broken.  There are many paths to recovery, and you may have not found your path yet.  Put your full effort into each one and keep trying until you find your own path.

3) You have to heal the reasons that drove you to your addiction.  The effects from past trauma, guilt, and shame will not simply disappear once you stop drinking or using, and I have not seen anyone who can be both sober and happy still carrying around all those things.  For me, therapy has been critical for me to work through those and learn how to feel emotions instead of trying to numb them out.  And just like you might have to try several things to find your path of recovery, it may take several attempts to find the right therapist or the right method for your healing.  Find whatever works for you, but you must commit to healing and growing if you want to break free.