I spent my whole life teetering just on the edge.
Instagram: @not_anonymous_nic
Have you ever thrown something away and then realized after that you needed it? Well, I almost did that with my life. My name is Nicole and I'm a grateful recovering addict. My clean date is September 27, 2018.
I started my relationship with substances while I was in elementary school. I went from alcohol to drugs by the time I was 15. I spent my whole life teetering just on the edge. Despite managing to get two university degrees and having a family, I spent over 30 years of my life in varying degrees of active addiction, trying to self medicate my trauma, grief, and loss away with drugs and alcohol.
For a long time I thought my use was manageable and I continued to get loaded to cope. My addiction progressed. My weekend binges became longer, the drugs became harder, and the consequences more dire. I lost my career as a lawyer, my children, my home, and my sanity. I attempted suicide twice and began to deal drugs for survival then for profit. An attempt on my life was made because of the lifestyle that I was living. The only reason I stopped was because of a prison sentence for trafficking.
I got out of prison and did well for awhile but I wasn’t putting in the work. I wish I was one of those people who got it the first time but I wasn't. 33 months in I relapsed and went back out for several months. The guilt and shame was immense but this time I knew exactly what I had to do. I returned to my recovery community and they were there for me. So was my HP. This time was different. I got a sponsor, a home group and actually put in the work.
Today I am a grateful recovering addict with 1816 DAYS OF UNINTERRUPTED BACK TO BACK TIME. A lot can change in 5 years. I have my life back and the gifts of recovery keep on coming. I am open about my drug use, my incarceration and my Recovery. I want the world to know that Recovery is possible. 💜
Any advice or encouragement for those struggling?
Forgive yourself for indulging in things that took your time and your spirit but didn't fulfill you
Forgive yourself for pretending to be someone you are not
Forgive yourself for the way you tried to protect yourself from being hurt
Forgive yourself for what you discovered about yourself that you didn't like
Forgive yourself for whatever ugliness you saw in yourself
Forgive yourself for not immediately correcting what you think you should have
Forgive yourself for the parts of you that you couldn't respect
Forgive yourself for how you chose to survive