For the first time in my life, I’m actually grateful to be sober.
IG: @spiritrecovered
Central Florida, USA
Emily M, opioids (heroin) and crack
Sober: 9/14/2019 (I think—honestly I don’t keep track of it very closely because in the past it’s been more harmful than helpful, though I do keep it in my calendar for reference)
I was born and raised in Central Florida and currently live in Leesburg. I work part time at a gas station and full time as a mom and wife. I also own a small business creating custom gifts for any occasion, with a special focus in addiction recovery and faith.
I started using when I was 12 but didn’t really get bad until after I graduated high school. When I met my (now) husband is when I really made the decision to quit—after he started preparing to walk out of my life. A month after, I found out I was pregnant and I stayed clean until she was about 6 months old when I had extensive dental work and was prescribed Vicodin, and stupidly accepted the prescription. But I also struggled with postpartum psychosis and wasn’t working any kind of program, so it was like my golden ticket excuse at that point. Since then I struggled to put any significant time together and when my husband and I bought our house after our second was born, he moved a friend in with him who was a chronically relapsing heroin addict. I inevitably relapsed with him and my husband kicked me out when he found out. I went to detox but came home early and continued using until he caught me snorting a line on our porch and goaded me into a physical altercation and called the cops once I left. I had less than half a gram of crack on me and a needle and was charged with a felony, my first time in jail. I finally convinced my grandmother to bail me out and continued using, overdosing at least three times outside in my car alone. God brought me back to life. Eventually I came clean to my probation officer and he got me into detox. I still had a few more slip-ups but my grandfather fell very ill and passed shortly after and my mom begged me not to use. I wish he could see me now.
I’ve been sober now for just over a year and it’s like night and day. When my husband kicked me out of our house again, this time through no fault of my own (he’s had a hard time forgiving me and moving on and he had a nervous breakdown), I was at my lowest point in my sobriety and I found a baggy on the ground at the park with some kind of powder in it. After much turmoil, I flushed it down the toilet and that’s when things really started to turn around. I’m the same person deep down, but totally different. I feel like I’m who I was always meant to be—or at least getting there. I’m just over a year sober, my mom trusts me again and we have a close relationship for the first time in my life, I have my kids back and just had my third baby, I work part time and care for my children and have a small business and blog. I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do and actually succeeding in it (success is relative, but it’s been growing steadily and I’m very proud). I’m able to help others, too, through donations and support.
Describe your experience as an addict. I loved drugs more than anything—at times, even more than my own children. They were my best friend, my partner, my entire world. I always describe it as being in an abusive relationship. I knew I had to leave, but they just kept pulling me back. I don’t believe that jail helps most people in most cases, but it did help me because I know I never want to go back.
When did you realize your life had become unmanageable? I’ve pretty much always felt like my life was unmanageable—that’s a good part of why I used in the first place. And for the last 5 years or so of my using, I knew I needed to stop. But when my grandfather was dying and I couldn’t see my children, my family couldn’t look at me and I still couldn’t stop killing myself long enough to get my kids back, I knew it was time to really get serious. That’s when I finally accepted that I couldn’t use drugs and be a mother—up until that point, I believed I could if it weren’t for my husband)
What did your recovery look like? It was messy and painful in the beginning. I fought it tooth and nail. But when I finally surrendered, It was like a weight lifted and pure determination set in. I finally knew what I wanted and how to get it, and I would stop at nothing to achieve it.
How are you doing these days? I’m doing very well in terms of recovery. Life is hard with three kids, a home to take care of, a part time job, blog, and small business, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. My business is an outlet for my struggles; helping others and crafting helps me stay sober, along with regular therapy.
What do you do to maintain sobriety? I see a therapist and take appropriate medications prescribed and monitored by a medical professional to treat my mental illnesses, I connect with others in recovery and I blog and craft sobriety gifts. More importantly I make a conscious effort to be as honest as possible at all time. Lies are slippery and even the smallest fib can get me in a world of trouble if I’m not careful, so I try to practice radical honest honesty and set clear, healthy boundaries.
What are you grateful for? The fact that I’m still alive. That I have a relationship with God and my family, my mom, my children, my husband (on good days). And for the first time in my life I’m actually grateful to be sober.
Any advice you would give to newly sober folks? If I can do it, I promise that anyone can. Don’t let anyone else tell you what your recovery should look like—it’s no one’s business but your own. If you don’t know if NA or AA or Smart Recovery or Celebrate Recovery or any other approach is right for you—try them all. Dive in with everything you have; keep what works and leave the rest. And just don’t give up, no matter what. As long as you’re still breathing and conscious, there’s still hope. Even if you don’t want it, or don’t know if you want it—just keep going. You have to do it because you want it, but that doesn’t mean that you have to want it right away. Sometimes it just takes practice.
Read more from Emily in our new section: Community Blog