When I was 18, I met a man that would change the course of my life.
From my friend: Regina
I am not an addict. I am an ally, currently bordering on the line of an enabler. I never asked for this. I never wanted it. And yet here I am.
When I was 18, I met a man that would change the course of my life. Lets be real, I made a series of really stupid decisions. I got pregnant and got married all before I turned 19. This man, my son’s father, hid his addiction, as many addicts do. At 18, I had no idea what I was dealing with, or even what was happening.
I spent many evenings in the emergency room, watching my husband go through withdrawals while battling blood and staph infections from the IV drugs. I bailed him out of jail more times than I can count. He wrecked 2 of my cars. I couldn’t pay my rent. And I had no idea what or why this was happening, because I did not understand. I had never seen this level of addiction.
The only solution was rehab, or so I thought. That’s where people go when they have drug problems. What I didn’t know is that it only works if you want it to work.
I did not understand why MY life had become unmanageable. I didn’t understand why I was so drawn to this chaos. It was my drug and I went back over and over again. Such is the life of an enabler.
Someone recommended Al Anon to me. To be honest, I hated it. I had to look at me, and it’s easier to blame the addict. I went to a few meetings and did not go back. But, during my time there, I realized a few very important things.
Someone’s addiction is not my fault, nor is it my problem to solve. I desperately needed support and therapy for myself. My son would need therapy in order to stop the cycle. I needed to learn to set boundaries and stick to those. Militantly.
But also I learned that it is ok to love an addict. People who struggle with addiction are people and they are worthy of love.
Ultimately, I got stronger as he got weaker. I started distancing myself, and my only explanation to my son for why his father wasn’t there was that his dad was very very sick and loved him very much. Eventually, he overdosed on narcotics and passed away.
The ripple effect of this has been more profound than I could have ever imagined. It has impacted my life and my sons, my family’s lives (being a single mom is hard), his family’s lives, his wife at the time, her family, and countless others.
I have been in therapy for years, and I still work on the trauma from this part of my life. I have learned to forgive myself for not understanding a situation I couldn’t possibly understand. I have learned that it's ok to love someone that sometimes you don’t want to love.
If you love an addict, I highly recommend that you find a therapist. You are likely just as sick as the addict you love. Things (aka you) will not get better until you do. Al Anon is a wonderful resource. Talk therapy is incredibly helpful. You may have to learn to love at a distance. And please know, as hurtful as their behavior feels, they love you. And they do actually need someone to rely on.
If you are an addict, I want to let you know that there are people who love you. They want to help, so desperately. Don’t hide from them. They will love you even if you disappoint them, or anger them or cut them out of your life. I promise they will, even if you feel like you don’t deserve it.