Thoughts from a Recovering Mom: Put Yourself in Our Shoes
Written by Emily M.— IG: @spiritrecovered
Mothers of today's world just can't catch a break. We have to do it all--and we're expected to do so with a smile on our face. We work full-time jobs while staying at home to care for our children, we keep the house spotless while spending quality one-on-one time with each child, and we never ask for help yet we never lose our cool. Society dictates that we are subservient, yet we stand up for ourselves and our children when we are supposed to; we are ladylike but strong and capable; and we are tamed but empowered.
Women for generations have had to do it all. But it seems that as time goes on, "all" just encompasses more and more and more. Caring for the children and the home is one thing. Then we started leaving the house for work and had to find an adequate balance because if we didn't work we weren't contributing to the family but if we did then we didn't care about our familiies.
Today not only do we have to balance the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, the children, the pets, and the full-time jobs--now, we're homeschooling. Because if we don't homeschool then we're a threat to our society and we musn't care about our teachers' health and safety (of course, that we do choose to homeschool simply means that we're slaves to the mass media and are teaching our children to be sheep).
Moms just can't win--and the worst part of it all is that the worst judge of a mom is another mom. Mom groups are filled with women condemning others for working, or not working, for feeding their children all organic or for feeding them hotdogs, for breastfeeding or for using formula. Moms are the worst! To each other, at least.
This is why I have such a special place in my heart for sober moms. For us, recovery is just one more thing to add to the long list of to-dos and must-dos. It's just one more responsibility, and one more opportunity for the world to judge and condemn us.
How can we put our recovery first, while also putting our children first? And if we put our children first without putting our recovery first, then we run the risk of losing our children.
How can you even be a mother and drink?
Oh my gosh I could not get through the day without a glass of wine you're crazy for giving it up.
You mean you used drugs? Like, drugs? But you have children.
How long do you have to go to those meetings for? The kids need their mother and I'm not your babysitter.
You take your children to those meetings? With those people?
We all know that becoming a mother doesn't actually give us superpowers, right? Like, we're still totally regular people who also need sleep, and comfort, and support, alone time; we're still prone to the same mistakes and exhaustion, to losing our tempers and making poor choices. We have thoughts and feelings and regrets.
I've been blessed with more second chances than I've deserved. I came very close to losing my children permanently, and I'm blessed with a family who knows my struggles and has tried their best to understand, who took up the slack for me when I wasn't there and who help to support me and keep me standing straight when the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm in a better position than most to speak out about my struggles and my truth in hopes of changing the way others view mothers and recovery and mothers in recovery.
Motherhood is absolutely a blessing. Recovery is a blessing. Our children are blessings and you'd struggle to find a mom who even on her worst days wouldn't agree. But it's hard.
'You' tell us to reach out for support--but how can we when we're met with judgment and threats of removing our children? If we talk to other moms we're met with backlash about our addiction, or about choosing not to drink. If we talk to others in recovery, we're met with gasps and whispers and if I had children I would have quit, I just don't understand how mothers can relapse and continue using.
And for the record--I was once one of those people. Early in recovery I had my daughter and vowed never to use again and I just couldn't understand how any mother could relapse--and then I did. And I did again, and again, and again.
If we leave to go to treatment, we're terrible moms, but if we stay and don't receive treatment, we're terrible moms.
There is so much on us that isn't just impossible. It's impossible for any human being to do the things that we're expected to do on a daily basis, and for the rest of our lives, and when you add addiction and recovery into the mix it's amplified a hundred times.
This is my PSA.
Stop judging the mothers in your life. Stop whispering, stop wondering. If you're not going to stand up and help then you have no business condemning her for her struggles. If you're not living her experiences then you have no business telling her what she needs to do or what she should be doing or what you would do if you were her. Because you don't know. You have no idea.
Moms--reach out. Despite the judgments and the condemnation, despite the rumors and whispers, despite the double standard, reach out. Seek help.
There are at least thousands of mothers just like you, struggling in many of the same ways, silently, waiting for someone else to take a stand so that they can have a voice.
There are treatment facilities that will let you take your children. And despite what's said, a treatment facility will not have your children removed from your care if you are actively seeking help.
Support one another. Stop judging each other. Only a mom knows what it's like to be a mom and only a person in recovery knows what it's like to be in recovery and we need to collectively come together and support one another, no matter what our background or our past or our parenting styles or recovery methods; we need to stop passing judgement and start asking, "how can I help?"
Be good to each other. Ask for help and offer it. And if you don't agree with someone's choices then keep your mouth shut because unless it's going to cause them serious harm it's none of your business.
When a mom comes to you and says that she has a problem, don't think. Just ask, "how can I help?"
Let's stop dividing ourselves and pushing each other down. It's time to come together and lift each other up, in motherhood and in recovery.